(continued from this previous blog)
8. Abusers apologize so they don't have to find and train a new victim. Here is what's called the "Cycle of Abuse":
Tension building phase
This phase occurs prior to an overtly abusive act, and is characterized by poor communication, passive aggression, rising interpersonal tension, and fear on the part of the victim. During this stage the victim may attempt to modify his or her behavior ("walking on eggshells") to avoid triggering their partner's outburst.
Acting-out phase
Characterized by outbursts of violent, abusive incidents. During this stage the abuser attempts to dominate his/her partner, with the use of physical or emotional violence.
Reconciliation/Honeymoon phase
Characterized by affection, apology, or, alternatively, ignoring the incident. This phase marks an apparent end of violence, with assurances that it will never happen again, or that the abuser will do his or her best to change. During this stage, the abuser expresses overwhelming feelings of remorse and sadness, to minimize any consequences for his actions. Some abusers walk away from the situation with little comment, but most will eventually shower the partner with love and affection. Some abusers may threaten self-harm or suicide to gain sympathy and/or prevent the partner from leaving the relationship. Abusers are frequently so convincing, and victims so eager for the relationship to improve, that victims who are often worn down and confused by the longstanding abuse, stay in the relationship.
Although it is easy to see the outbursts of the Acting-out Phase as abuse, even the more pleasant behaviors of the Honeymoon Phase perpetuates the abuse because the victim is now convinced that the relationship isn't all bad... convinced that there is hope... and the abuser has successfully avoided any consequences for his actions.
Calm phase
During this phase (which is often considered an element of the honeymoon/reconciliation phase), the relationship is relatively calm and peaceable. However, interpersonal difficulties will inevitably arise, leading again to the tension building phase.
9. It's important to understand that, in most cases, the abuser does not do these things consciously. They do them automatically, which is worse. Where there is a conscious effort, there can be a conscious choice to stop. Automatic behaviors are not a matter of choice. The last breath you took was not a conscious choice. Abusers abuse as thoughtlessly as they breathe.
Like all controlling personalities, the abuser has little insight. He believes that his abuse is a perfectly normal reaction to his victim's behavior.
While the abuser robs his victim's self-esteem, he gains a huge dose of self-esteem from abusing. Apart from the satisfying rush he gets from losing his temper, the abuser feels clever and powerful when he manipulates his victim. In many cases, this is the only situation in the abuser's life where he does feel clever or powerful.
10. Many abuse victims protect their abusive partners by keeping his ugly little secrets. They often feel embarrassed to admit they're in an abusive situation. It's important to understand that when they keep abusive behavior a secret, the abuser wins. He stays in control. Victims need to tell as many people as possible what is going on. In the long run, it's an insurance policy. The abuser is limited as to how he can hurt you and what he can get away with when people in your life know what he's capable of.
Also, there are women's shelters in many areas that will work with abuse victims and help them to leave quietly and without incident. It's worth looking into. It costs nothing to talk with people who understand and are there to help.
~I hope that any of this may be of help to someone.
8. Abusers apologize so they don't have to find and train a new victim. Here is what's called the "Cycle of Abuse":
Tension building phase
This phase occurs prior to an overtly abusive act, and is characterized by poor communication, passive aggression, rising interpersonal tension, and fear on the part of the victim. During this stage the victim may attempt to modify his or her behavior ("walking on eggshells") to avoid triggering their partner's outburst.
Acting-out phase
Characterized by outbursts of violent, abusive incidents. During this stage the abuser attempts to dominate his/her partner, with the use of physical or emotional violence.
Reconciliation/Honeymoon phase
Characterized by affection, apology, or, alternatively, ignoring the incident. This phase marks an apparent end of violence, with assurances that it will never happen again, or that the abuser will do his or her best to change. During this stage, the abuser expresses overwhelming feelings of remorse and sadness, to minimize any consequences for his actions. Some abusers walk away from the situation with little comment, but most will eventually shower the partner with love and affection. Some abusers may threaten self-harm or suicide to gain sympathy and/or prevent the partner from leaving the relationship. Abusers are frequently so convincing, and victims so eager for the relationship to improve, that victims who are often worn down and confused by the longstanding abuse, stay in the relationship.
Although it is easy to see the outbursts of the Acting-out Phase as abuse, even the more pleasant behaviors of the Honeymoon Phase perpetuates the abuse because the victim is now convinced that the relationship isn't all bad... convinced that there is hope... and the abuser has successfully avoided any consequences for his actions.
Calm phase
During this phase (which is often considered an element of the honeymoon/reconciliation phase), the relationship is relatively calm and peaceable. However, interpersonal difficulties will inevitably arise, leading again to the tension building phase.
9. It's important to understand that, in most cases, the abuser does not do these things consciously. They do them automatically, which is worse. Where there is a conscious effort, there can be a conscious choice to stop. Automatic behaviors are not a matter of choice. The last breath you took was not a conscious choice. Abusers abuse as thoughtlessly as they breathe.
Like all controlling personalities, the abuser has little insight. He believes that his abuse is a perfectly normal reaction to his victim's behavior.
While the abuser robs his victim's self-esteem, he gains a huge dose of self-esteem from abusing. Apart from the satisfying rush he gets from losing his temper, the abuser feels clever and powerful when he manipulates his victim. In many cases, this is the only situation in the abuser's life where he does feel clever or powerful.
10. Many abuse victims protect their abusive partners by keeping his ugly little secrets. They often feel embarrassed to admit they're in an abusive situation. It's important to understand that when they keep abusive behavior a secret, the abuser wins. He stays in control. Victims need to tell as many people as possible what is going on. In the long run, it's an insurance policy. The abuser is limited as to how he can hurt you and what he can get away with when people in your life know what he's capable of.
Also, there are women's shelters in many areas that will work with abuse victims and help them to leave quietly and without incident. It's worth looking into. It costs nothing to talk with people who understand and are there to help.
~I hope that any of this may be of help to someone.
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