In the abuse cycle there are 4 phases. One of these phases is the Honeymoon Phase (we will discuss the other phases in future blogs). This is the phase that happens when most relationships are new or immediately after a terrible fight. The abuser is tender while interacting with their partner. They are only putting their best foot forward and are basically their most charming selves. The abuser does all the things his or her partner wants and carefully attends to the needs and wishes of their partner. During the honey moon phase an abuser will provide their victim with anything they need to provide assurance that they understand exactly what their lover needs or wants.
This is the phase where an abuser is the person you want them to be, and it might be dreamy but the dream is only going to last for a short time. In many ways the honeymoon phase can be viewed as bait. Every action of the abuser is designed to attract (or keep) a partner from leaving. The only goal behind the apologies and tender behavior is to soften resistance so that the victim can be lulled into position where they will once again allow the abusive behavior.
The honey moon phase is proof that an abuser knows what other people want and they are using this knowledge to their advantage. Abusers are very good at getting others to believe they are everything they pretend to be. It is a powerful deception, and part of the reason many of the abusers friends are unable to believe that their friend would ever treat anyone horribly behind closed doors. Abusers need to be skilled at getting others to believe them because if they make a mistake during the lulling process, then they will loose their prey and they ultimately loose control of their victim.
Here are some signs that might be a sign that your wonderful last few days are a honeymoon phase in the abuse cycle:
1. You continue to hold secrets from him/her, even if they seem to be supportive.
2. Secretly, you believe the remorse is because your partner finally understands what you need from them.
3. The niceness started after one of your most terrible fights.
4. You hang on every word, almost desperate to believe they are true.
5. The nice gestures are something you share with others, especially people who have accused your partner of being mean or cruel to you
6. You believe the kindness is evidence that he/she is sorry and will never do it again.
7. There is some fear that the kindness won't last, but you don't admit this to anyone.
8. You are leery about making future plans because you don't know what your partner's mood will be.
9. Things that your partner didn't like are suddenly okay or not a big deal now.
10. Carefully avoid things that might remind your partner about things they are typically upset by.
11. You are make excuses for your partners previous outbursts.
12. It is extremely easy for you to blame the bad behavior that came before the kindness on drinking a little too much, a stressful situation or your own mistakes.