This is a fabricated exchange between a parent and an adult child:
Daughter: Mom, I absolutely must have that new pair of jeans.
Mother: I know you like your job, but it isn't going to provide you a good future. I will buy you new clothes after you accept your fathers offer to pay for your college tuition and enroll in school. (1, 3, 8, 10)
Daughter: I don't want a new job and like I keep saying I don't want to go to college right now! (2, 7, 8)
Mother: Living is expensive and we pay for so many of your things, but you need to be responsible. We just bought you furniture from the thrift store and your aunt got you new jeans last week. (1, 3, 10)
Daughter: I tried college and the assault is still hard to cope with. (8)
Mother: You stopped college because you decided not to tough it out. Lets not be a drama queen. (1, 2, 3, 5, 9, 10)
Daughter: Mom, you don't understand.
Mother: Now I understand how spoiled your generation is and it is wearing off on you. (2, 3, 4, 7, 8, 10)
Daughter: I'll pay you back, please just buy me these jeans.
Mother: I hate the fact that you are dating girls now, if I buy you clothes to hide that big butt of yours then you need to be normal and date guys or at least work towards a normal future. (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 10)
Daughter: Oh com'on your always nagging me. (6)
If the mother would have simply said "No" when the daughter requested the jeans this would NOT have been an emotionally abusive discussion. Saying no isn't a problem, suggesting the daughter has faults that justify her saying no to the request is a problem. These kinds of interactions show a pattern of behavior that can indicate some serious control issues are happening between these two adult women.
I've broken down where a few types of emotional abuse are occurring:
MANIPULATION (1): The gifts are being given with an agenda attached to them.
NEGLECT (2): Refusing to acknowledge the feelings/concerns from previous discussions.
BRINGING UP THE PAST (3): This suggests gifts come with a price, but then they are not gifts.
CATEGORIZING (4): Grouping individuals into an "all are bad"
SEXUAL ORIENTATION (5): Mother expresses her dislike of adult daughters sexual choices.
DEGRADING COMMENTS (6): Weight is often identified as a sensitive subject for most women.
WORD TWISTING (7): Mother was telling daughter that mother knows what she wants
MINIMIZING (8): The difficulties of the past are discarded as not 'that bad'.
PRESSING (9): The daughter identifies that this is a subject they've discussed previously.
FINANCIAL (10): Mother suggests that value is based on external factors.
What happens in exchanges like this, is the young adult begins to relate value as a human based solely on what they can or can't accomplish towards meeting another adults expectations. This conversation left the daughter with the impression that her previous assault isn't a reason for her to consider other options. In addition she is being pressured by her mother to fit specific expectations and roles that the daughter isn't interested in meeting. Rather than supporting the daughters decisions, the mother is using her power (in this case it is finances) to try and manipulate the daughter into doing what the mother believes is best.
The mothers desire is probably to encourage growth in her daughter, but this type of approach leads to ongoing emotional disruption. It wouldn't be appropriate for a mother to speak to a young daughter this way, but it is even more common for parents to use this form of manipulation in an attempt to control older children.